Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
