I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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