So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
