Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
