Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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