His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
