Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
