when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
