i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
