it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
