Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
