New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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