She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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