he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
