I haven't been this sober since birth.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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