Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
