i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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