You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
