I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
