umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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