end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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