Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
