Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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