My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I want to fling myself into the sun
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
