I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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