I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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