i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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