So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
