I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
