dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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