I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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