I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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