i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
third nipple confirmed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
