Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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