The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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