Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
