Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
