You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
