Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
