apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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