We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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