I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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