I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You have to summon your inner elephant
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
