The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it glows. i had to have it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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