I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
