My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize