i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
