I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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