he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
