I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
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