if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
