I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
