Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
