I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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