whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
