I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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