Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
