OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
