im six kinds of drunk right now
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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