Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What drink are we having for lunch?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
